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colormehappy
18:52
Read this message, please. I think you'll like it. I came to a conclusion about leaving you alone. I see where you're coming from now. Or at least I think I do. I think we were trudging through mud and at some point you went off in one direction and I tried to follow you but it didn't work. I was stuck. This whole time I've been following you ignoring my responsibilities and opportunities. And I have no one but myself to blame for that. 
You have your own life full of people who look at you to help them or be there. And even though I wished I could be one of those people, I'm not anymore. There are a lot of things that I've refused to accept. And I'm mad at myself for how I've handled this. All of it and mostly the last couple of days. You never wanted to have sex with me. I forced you into it. I get that. And I even understand the whole wanting to see where it goes with that girl. I get it. And the parts I don't understand, I'm fully trying to. 
You used mind alters to get past your problems and I used human contact. And nothing is wrong with either. You've made me better, at least I want to think that you have. You advised me on how to get better until you were blue in the face and I like to think some of that paid off.
And it's lonely. It always feels like I'm in this alone. But I know it's not always going to feel that way.
You moved on from me. Maybe even a long time ago. And maybe I'm your weakness. I have no idea. I'm not assuming anything. I know you're mine and I hope that's not always true. But we're bad for each other. You were right. And I'm trying to understand that. What I'm trying to say, what is so hard for me to say...is that I've been holding on to you for so long and I'm just now realizing all I was holding on to was air. You've been gone for a long time. Sometimes we accept the love we think we deserve. Ad we swallow shit for so long that we don't even realize we're doing it anymore. And you're just now on the other side of depression and I am so proud of you. 
Every happy memory in the past four years has you in it. And I love everything from your soft brown hair to your stubborn toes. But you're right. This isn't getting better for me. It's just making it hurt so much worse. And I know I'm annoying the shit out of you. But mostly I can't grow if I'm holding onto the Brandon and Cheyenne from four years ago. Sometimes I wish I'd never met you. Actually, I do a lot. But I'm so thankful I did because I found and lost my first love and that can only ever happen once and I'm glad it was with you. 
I can't promise that there aren't going to be nights where I can't take it anymore and days when I feel so weak that I have to contact you. But I'm not your problem anymore. And I have to stop being my own as well. I have to move on. I understand. And as I tell you this, I'm trying to convince myself as well. I get it. I do. 
I'm not going to be okay right now, but it's not always going to hurt like this. And I would never wish this pain on anyone. But this is not your problem. You never signed up for this and I am trying to understand that.
I'm proud of you. I wish I could have been there more for you, held you when you cried, wiped your tears like you did for me so many more times than I can possibly count. But hope is the first step on the road to disappointment. You were right about that all along. I hoped and hoped that I could go back. But now I'm sure it would have all happened the same exact way because you are who you are and I am who I am.
  I'll be missing you. I'll be thinking of you. Live your life free of distractions from me. Love like nothing will ever take that person or thing away from you.
  Sometimes we have to be happy with what people can give us. Even if it's not what we want, at least it's something. 
I like to think this is the end. Only because I know how this isn't what you want and that I'm still trying to let go of something that doesn't exist anymore. I'm not going to say that I can't live without you, because I can. I know I can. I just didn't and don't want to. So it doesn't mean that I'm ready or willing to give up. And it does feel a hell of a lot like giving up and turning in my cards and moving on. BUT...
I'm sorry. I am more sorry than I've ever been to anyone. 
I adore you and I'll always be here if you ever need me. You won't, but I still am. Always. I love you. It's as simple as that.
 

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