Newer posts are loading.
You are at the newest post.
Click here to check if anything new just came in.

July 02 2015


April 02 2015

Read this message, please. I think you'll like it. I came to a conclusion about leaving you alone. I see where you're coming from now. Or at least I think I do. I think we were trudging through mud and at some point you went off in one direction and I tried to follow you but it didn't work. I was stuck. This whole time I've been following you ignoring my responsibilities and opportunities. And I have no one but myself to blame for that. 
You have your own life full of people who look at you to help them or be there. And even though I wished I could be one of those people, I'm not anymore. There are a lot of things that I've refused to accept. And I'm mad at myself for how I've handled this. All of it and mostly the last couple of days. You never wanted to have sex with me. I forced you into it. I get that. And I even understand the whole wanting to see where it goes with that girl. I get it. And the parts I don't understand, I'm fully trying to. 
You used mind alters to get past your problems and I used human contact. And nothing is wrong with either. You've made me better, at least I want to think that you have. You advised me on how to get better until you were blue in the face and I like to think some of that paid off.
And it's lonely. It always feels like I'm in this alone. But I know it's not always going to feel that way.
You moved on from me. Maybe even a long time ago. And maybe I'm your weakness. I have no idea. I'm not assuming anything. I know you're mine and I hope that's not always true. But we're bad for each other. You were right. And I'm trying to understand that. What I'm trying to say, what is so hard for me to that I've been holding on to you for so long and I'm just now realizing all I was holding on to was air. You've been gone for a long time. Sometimes we accept the love we think we deserve. Ad we swallow shit for so long that we don't even realize we're doing it anymore. And you're just now on the other side of depression and I am so proud of you. 
Every happy memory in the past four years has you in it. And I love everything from your soft brown hair to your stubborn toes. But you're right. This isn't getting better for me. It's just making it hurt so much worse. And I know I'm annoying the shit out of you. But mostly I can't grow if I'm holding onto the Brandon and Cheyenne from four years ago. Sometimes I wish I'd never met you. Actually, I do a lot. But I'm so thankful I did because I found and lost my first love and that can only ever happen once and I'm glad it was with you. 
I can't promise that there aren't going to be nights where I can't take it anymore and days when I feel so weak that I have to contact you. But I'm not your problem anymore. And I have to stop being my own as well. I have to move on. I understand. And as I tell you this, I'm trying to convince myself as well. I get it. I do. 
I'm not going to be okay right now, but it's not always going to hurt like this. And I would never wish this pain on anyone. But this is not your problem. You never signed up for this and I am trying to understand that.
I'm proud of you. I wish I could have been there more for you, held you when you cried, wiped your tears like you did for me so many more times than I can possibly count. But hope is the first step on the road to disappointment. You were right about that all along. I hoped and hoped that I could go back. But now I'm sure it would have all happened the same exact way because you are who you are and I am who I am.
  I'll be missing you. I'll be thinking of you. Live your life free of distractions from me. Love like nothing will ever take that person or thing away from you.
  Sometimes we have to be happy with what people can give us. Even if it's not what we want, at least it's something. 
I like to think this is the end. Only because I know how this isn't what you want and that I'm still trying to let go of something that doesn't exist anymore. I'm not going to say that I can't live without you, because I can. I know I can. I just didn't and don't want to. So it doesn't mean that I'm ready or willing to give up. And it does feel a hell of a lot like giving up and turning in my cards and moving on. BUT...
I'm sorry. I am more sorry than I've ever been to anyone. 
I adore you and I'll always be here if you ever need me. You won't, but I still am. Always. I love you. It's as simple as that.

March 04 2015


To my future child,

            There are things that we can’t change, instances where we make mistakes or go down the wrong path and we blame ourselves for a long period of time because we can. Because we’re human and it is in our nature to beat up the only person we can really hurt the most, ourselves. I want you to know that every mistake that you make makes you who you are. And you are beautiful. You are smart and generous. You are important to me and to all the people that love you and have yet to meet you. You are kind. And you are going to accomplish so much because I have faith in you.

Have faith in yourself. Have faith in the fact that you are not perfect. No one is. Don’t ever strive for perfection because you will always be a day late and a dollar short and while you are perfect to me, everyone else will always have their own opinion. I love you. I actually adore you. And it’s impossible to tell you how much you mean to me. You are going to grow up knowing that even though you can’t see me, I’m always there cheering you on and that you always have someone in your corner. Don’t trust everyone but find people or a person you can trust. Test your limits, but don’t go too far. Be selfless, but don’t give away yourself for others. Be kind to yourself, but not selfish. Try new things, but know what things you shouldn’t. Don’t ever doubt yourself because there will always be someone doing that for you.

I hope you’re giving and that if there is anyone who ever needs a helping hand that you are there reaching out to help them. I hope that you see the best in everyone around you but that you notice that not everyone can make their way back to who they once were. I want you to know that there are bad people that you can’t fix or change so don’t put all of your eggs in one basket. People are going to disappoint you, hurt you, but even when you feel like you’ve been knocked down enough there is always a reason to get back up. There is always a yard that is prettier than yours so don’t compare yourself to others. People go through their own hardships so always try to put yourself in their shoes before you judge them. Judge people on their character and not what they look like. Actions speak louder than words and looks, for that matter.

I hope you know that family is everything as long as they treat you right and respect you. Our family will hold you up and hold you dear to their hearts. They’re good people just like you. And you are good because of them. Your grandparents, my mom and dad, raised me into the person I am and I love them and I hope you do too. I hope you love your family with everything you have. And I hope you recognize that we do, they do, everything they do for your best interest. Don’t ever believe that they are out to get you because they’re the ones who pick you up when you fall. If you ever need anything, never hesitate to call. They’ll be there.

I will be missing you wherever I’m going so don’t think for a second that I ever wanted to leave you behind. You are everything that I ever wanted and I don’t regret anything because you’re alive. Know that I’m going to a better place and that I will be seeing you one day. Heaven is wherever I can still make sure you’re okay.

I love you. I’ll be missing you.

You’re devoted mom,


March 02 2015

0115 99d7 390
6936 3a24 390
Reposted fromrisky risky viaiblameyou iblameyou
Reposted fromthe100 the100
be soft. do not let the world make you hard. do not let pain make you hate. do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.
Reposted fromthe100 the100

"Clarke needs Bellamy. That’s been true since last season. Maybe truer now than ever before." (x)

i can’t lose you,too.
Reposted fromfungi fungi viaI-am-Fine I-am-Fine
9265 c311 390
Reposted fromMrsDarkness MrsDarkness viaI-am-Fine I-am-Fine
6722 3976 390
Reposted fromkreatura kreatura viaimchuckbasss imchuckbasss
Mark's moving on. Like, really. It’s— It’s— That’s— It’s great. It’s— That’s um, that’s perfect. It’s— It’s perfect.
Reposted fromshakeme shakeme viaimchuckbasss imchuckbasss
9191 8381 390
Reposted fromdamagedsoul damagedsoul viaunmadebeds unmadebeds
0270 9437 390
Reposted fromportecreation portecreation viaunmadebeds unmadebeds
Older posts are this way If this message doesn't go away, click anywhere on the page to continue loading posts.
Could not load more posts
Maybe Soup is currently being updated? I'll try again automatically in a few seconds...
Just a second, loading more posts...
You've reached the end.

Don't be the product, buy the product!